i keep thinking about what will come and have a terrible habit of trying to control everything all the time. even my chaos is coordinated, it is a momentary loss of control supplanted by other mechanisms that keep me in place. maybe it is the new app i download to watch what i eat in order to reach ‘that’ body control. i think about how easy it is to calorie count and the guilt that settles seamlessly into every part of my body. i wonder if i will be able to make my way out when ‘that’ body does or doesn’t come. and the thing is nothing is enough - waking up and making it through the day is no longer enough. i can work a 9 - 5 and work through my weekends and an evening off will feel like empty space i am not worthy enough of. there is no room for time, time to just be time and not anything else, not a to do list of countless projects and lack of vitamin d. counting the number of times i make it out to run each week is a new kind of glory. i will sink into something if i don’t, if my body says ‘not today honey’ i will force it, i will scream at it, i will let a wave of misery master it out into the next. i set these new goals because 2014 has already built itself a new step, the sky is a little closer, the ground a little further away and there has to be something to keep going after: a new job, a certain bikini, the weighing scales, each and every project in full bloom, new stories, new stories being published, the amount of lovers that will make it into my skin or bed or both. it grows wider but also deeper, an expanse that sits right in the heart/chest/lung/stomach and turns that need into an indispensable rot. and the scary thing is no one will notice, no one will know, no one will say ‘stop - here is a hand, a bed, a sea, a shoulder’ when you get big about everything else but are so small inside, so small that even your hands let you slip through like sand. but god, the void and the lonely and the lovelessness and the anxiety though, will have you do almost anything to yourself and i will call it everything else but its name.
At least 100 Palestinians killed and media outlets, mosque and refugee camp all targeted as calls for ceasefire dismissed.
God please help the people of Palestine.
|29th Jul 2014✧15:42108 notes|
|29th Jul 2014✧15:03923 notes|
daily self-care practices to survive terrible 9 - 5s for brown girls in all white spaces: listening to talks and reading works (when your boss ain’t looking) by your favourite and radical thinkers/writers/people who remind you there is work to do/we stay loving/dreaming/be more than/beyond this when folks in our communities are dying on all kinds of levels globally.
(these include the likes of bell hooks, angela davis, junot diaz, kiese laymon, james baldwin, audre lorde, chandra mohanty, gloria anzaldua, cherri moraga, vandana shiva, and anyone talking about that important shit like race, gender, class, ablism, our environment, space, imperialism, immigration, memory, healing work, narratives, urban landscapes, borders, crossing, resistance, survival, transformation, art, culture, love and stuff that helps us to do and imagine.
|29th Jul 2014✧14:3223 notes|
Great end to such an amazing month! Blessed. Eid Mubarak everyone!
|27th Jul 2014✧23:261 note|
Avoiding communication with humans like it’s my full time job.
|22nd Jul 2014✧16:395 notes
|16th Jul 2014✧19:05840 notes|
|16th Jul 2014✧13:26950 notes|